The past

As I sit and stare into this empty abyss I like to call my life, I cannot help but wonder, as most of us do...Now what? As we live each and everyday, as we come up on "Big Events" in our lives, we feel so attached to the past--we never see "now" what will be our "I remember when" 's *with a smile on our face* or maybe *a frown escorted by a tear in the eye.* Out of self pity almost, we look to our past and wish of, dream of going back. And we sit and wish for the future to hurry up. Why? So we can miss the past again? So we can miss the TODAY we are wishing away? So my goal for today: Take advantage of every moment. And if i decide to spend a moment in silence-doing nothing, thinking of nothing-I am going to be ever so thank full in the future that i took a moment to rest when i could. For in the future, some day, I will say, I need to rest more. And then i can reply to myself, oh wait, I have already done that. =) What is it we like so much about the past anyways? Youth. Freedom. Love. No Worries. Carelessness. The invincibility we all believed we had...? When I do look back, I cannot recall the the details of my first communion, or confirmation, the details of the softball tourney, or even the first day of middle school, high school, or my senior year...the so called "Big Events." But i can remember the nothings in between. So the now whats have purpose and that empty abyss has been filled with meaning -- even though it may seem to lack the "Big Stuff" all those little stuffs are taking up plenty of room. No more wasting away on the past. I am going to build my life on the now, on my Today, the most important day of my life.

*~Amazing Dreams & Journaling My morning :)

Surrounded high above reality by light-hearted clouds of glitter and melancholy raindrop faces...i take a dive-in slow motion- and land on the softest bed of flower peddles that float up into the air and defy gravity...staying there...all at once the peddles drop...the clouds shatter, sending glitter everywhere and i am covered from head to toe...soaked by a melancholy rain...I try to stand up...but i slip...falling into an empty abyss that awaits my never ending landing...and I wake up...heart stopped, sweat covered forehead, frozen on my bed...to the sounds of rain and thunder outside my slightly cracked window...once again late for work. So i skipped my morning workout (for the fifth day in a row) and deny myself my fresh fruit smoothie...and my sons and i sit down for a lovely bowl of Kashi cereal with chopped bananas and blueberries...yummy! and we rushed to get dressed, teeth brushed and out the door...only to find out, my eight o'clock has been canceled...deep breaths, I tell myself...I drop the boys off and decide to sit in the school parking lot and journal. My boss thinks i am at a personal meeting (the one that got canceled) and I can already feel that its going to be "one of those days." Even though guilt tries its best to seep up inside of me...I cannot help but think to myself...I deserve this...I have earned the right to sit here for fifteen minutes and relieve the stresses of yesterday and this morning out in my journal...before i take it out on someone else...(in other words: I will write everything that is bothering me in my journal and when i feel i am ready to explode on someone later...i pull out my journal...and smack them with it) Don't we all wish we could do that...just once? Journaling is said to have extreme benefits(as well as blogging). It is a great outlet, and form of self-help-therapy. It is a great way to better yourself...you can always go back and find patterns within yourself. Lets say you smoke...days when your mom calls, you smoke more...you want to quit smoking? Work on those days for a couple of weeks or maybe months first. You get depressed after you kids come home from college and head back? Then find things to do to fill that first week or so after they head back to school. Things that honestly make you happy. IN fact...Journaling or blogging about those situations, quitting smoking, missing someone...can help you to work through it in its-self! Since many of us, especially with the economic times, cannot afford to have Internet at home or even a computer...keep a note book in your car, at your desk, under your bed...in the kitchen...And when you need to talk, but don't feel like burdening your loved ones with issues that you feel are minute...let it out...on your journal...if its something you don't want others to read? Shred it once you are done...keep a bag in all those places as well for all the shredded paper, and RECYCLE! Not only will you be helping yourself, but the environment too! Have a great day, and I will try to get on later!

Myself & My Blog

Introduction to me:
I am a single mother in my early 20's of 2 boys ages 4 and 5. I work a full time job(that I thankfully still have) and spend any free time reading, writing, doodling, attempting to exercise &/or partaking in Yoga and cleaning...which, doesn't happen all that often. I am lucky to have about an hour to myself after my children have dozed off into dream land. I am a recovered drug addict and alcoholic. I tend to drink every now and then, but after 3 sober years i feel i am able to control it to a certain extent. I will, however, find myself drinking a little more than I should be able to handle, and therefore stop...once again. I have recently quit smoking- 10 days smoke free! -and am loving it! I not so long ago lost myself...in life, as we all do from time to time, and managed to shift through the entire box of lost and found and discovered, I am still where I left myself! Now its a matter of removing all the other junk piled on top of me, in order to reclaim what I alone posses...Myself.
Intro to Blog:
I would like to explain first and foremost, the title...Life Is a Ray of Sunshine...That title holds two solid meanings...one of which is saying, and I quote, "Life is a ray of sunshine." Sometimes life is great, its wonderful, its beautiful, its in-explainable...you couldn't be happier...and other days the title is saying either "...life is a ray of sunshine..." *sarcastically* or *with a melancholy tone*. In other words...life sucks, I want to sleep the next month of my life away...I hate my life right now..etc...I am going to do my best to give you examples, through my own experiences, of life...and i want to hear all about yours too!...how we can get out of slumps...laugh...look on the bright side of things...etc. We have great days and not-so-great days...and we can learn sooo much from both...I like to look for the best in every situation i am confronted with...however...i tend to see the worst in every situation i am confronted with...Contradicting. I know. That is life though. Isn't it just a ray of sunshine?